Virginia Governor Not Alone

 Yes it has been a long time.  This has nothing to do with football, or sports, or motherhood, for that matter.  Ironically it is Super Bowl Sunday, but.  there are plenty of people talking about that today.  Plenty of people talking about this as well - and it is not my intention to delve into the world of politics, but this is bugging me.

We are watching the unfolding of the incredible story about the Governor of Virginia, Ralph Northam, and this photo - yes, the photo of one person dressed as a black man and another person in  a KKK outfit.  Disturbing to say the least.  The governor is now claiming he does not believe he is either of the people in this photo.  This may go on for days.  The year is 1984 and the photo was published in the medical school yearbook of the Eastern Virginia Medical School.

Everyone is missing the bigger issue here.  It is bad enough two individuals thought it funny or appropriate to dress like this in 1984 - let's say that again - 1984.  Not 1904, and it still would be

What is my DREAM OCCUPATION - Passwords will be the death of me!

So what really is my "Dream Occupation?"

My business bank account requires several "security questions" in addition to the usual "userid" and password.  Every time I log in, I have to answer one of five security questions, one of which is, "What is your Dream Occupation?"  So far, I can't figure it out.  Now I have to believe when I initially set up the online access I answered all of the questions correctly.  Any other question that comes up I get right - for example, "Nickname for one of my siblings?"  Answer, "Missy"  I always called my little sister Shannon "Missy,  especially when she was bugging me because it was quicker than saying "Listen Missy!"  Next question, "where does your nearest relative live?"  Easy.  Archibald.  And so on.  But the one questions I keep getting wrong is my dream occupation.  It sort of bothers me I had one five years ago when I entered the security information and now I have forgotten what it is - what if I never figure it out?

Since my actual occupation is attorney, I know that isn't my dream occupation.  I do love my practice and my clients, no doubt about that, but a dream occupation is one of those things you think about just like, "what would you do if you won the lotto?"  First I tried the obvious, "Rock Star."  That was not it.  Since I love country music in particular, I tried "Country Singer" "Country Music Star" and "Carrie Underwood impersonator."  None of those worked.

Then I remembered every four years during the Winter Olympics I always say I want to be an ice skater - not couples skating and NOT ice dancing.  A solo performance where I nail a triple sow cow followed by a triple toe loop followed by a beautiful glide all through the arena with a big smile, circa Nancy Kerrigan (1994), but I would be wearing a blue leotard just like Michelle Kwan (1998).

None of this mattered because when I tried "Olympic skater" I was denied.  Then I tried "Olympic Gold medal skater women's singles competition" and I was completely locked out for 24 hours.

So I just keep wondering - what is my dream occupation?  I obviously had one because I entered something.  I might have put "mom" if I was in the right mood, but not likely because although I love being a mom, my dream is for someone, anyone, to put their own dishes in the dishwasher.

I tried "writer" because I do enjoy writing, but no luck there.  So next time that particular question pops up I'll try something like "mystery writer, " or maybe something like this, "blogger."  Who knows what my dream occupation was five years ago.  My dreams shift and change like the wind.  One day I want to grow up and be a wine taster in Napa (favorite vacations spot - I never get that wrong) and other days I want to try roller derby and smash a few faces just for fun.

Maybe my dream occupation is just waking up and being thankful for my family, and saying Thank You to God.  If it isn't, it probably should be.

Free throws and chocolate chip cookies - they should be easy!

Years ago when I was a young mom I was determined to make the perfect chocolate chip cookie.  It was my first pre-school event and naturally I wanted to stand out without all the fanfare of a fancy dessert.  Everyone loves a good chocolate chip cookie.  Sadly, mine turned out flat and were left mostly untouched by the masses, all of whom went for the good looking chocolate chip cookies.  I felt like a failure took cupcakes to the next event.  Teachers hate cupcakes.  Again, failure.

Some time after that I was given the famous "Nieman Marcus $250.00 Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe."  This recipe is no small task, but I was willing to sacrifice everything for the good of the cookie.   I shredded chocolate, added oatmeal, and followed the recipe to a T.  I ignored my kids for an entire day and served Lunchables for dinner just to have the time to make that recipe.  Sure enough, my cookies were amazing.  Big and delicious.  The perfect blend of brown sugar and chocolate with all those chips mixed in.   What a hit!  But the next time I tried that recipe the cookies were not nearly as good, not nearly as big and chewy.  Flat once again.  I moved on to recipes from my friends.  Just add one cup of flour.  Nope.  Use real butter.

NFL RED ZONE - NOW WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

About four years ago, the NFL channel debuted something they called, "The Red Zone"    If your husband subscribes to the NFL channel, then he no doubt has discovered the Red Zone.  The Red Zone is a brilliant idea for those fans who want to watch football even when their favorite team isn''t playing.  Sure, I realize that for years, people have been watching games in which they have no real stake - Monday Night Football, for example, has been an American staple, giving everyone at least something to look forward to when you woke up for work on Monday.  So, even if you are a Bengals fan, for example, and you watched the Bengals on Sunday, you might still watch the Monday night game just to ease into the week.

Using that same example, if you are a Bengals fan, and the Bengals played at 1pm on Sunday, traditionally it was a little tricky to just watch another game after the Bengal's game was over.  Granted you want to avoid things like those late summer opportunities to cut the grass, the much needed "putting in the storm windows" and other projects that need to get done in the fall - RAKING comes to mind.  But seriously, who wants to do any of those things after watching your team.  Very likely you have already had a beer or two.  You can't simply NAP or your level of self disgust will increase exponentially.  Besides all of that, it isn't always that fun to watch a whole entire game when you really don't care about the outcome.  Worse yet, you might actually have to watch some bad football.

Enter the Red Zone.

This program has cameras in every stadium on every Sunday.    The Red Zone will take you to any game in which a team is in scoring position (on the opponents 20 yard line or better - or, put more simply, 20 yards from the goal line).  Once the kickoffs happen at 1pm and 4pm, it is nearly impossible during the next seven hours for some team NOT to be in the Red Zone.  So the host, Scott (and yes ladies, well worth watching even if you don't care for football), will take you from game to game, carefully laying out the strategy each team used to get into the Red Zone.  If more than one team is in the Red Zone, Scott goes split screen.

I'll be honest.  I didn't care for the Red Zone when it first came out in 2012.  I felt like to be a true football fan I had to commit to a game and watch it from beginning to end.  Either that, or nothing.  But over time, I have come to appreciate what the Red Zone offers.  Excitement at any moment!  And isn't this what our instant gratification society needs and wants?  Isn't the most exciting part of any game the touchdowns?  Most importantly, the Red Zone is a legitimate way to avoid those unpleasant chores previously mentioned.

When asked to help put together a computer desk, you can simply and honestly reply, "We are about to score here honey."  People get that.  They understand.  The desk can be put together on either Tuesday or Wednesday (now the only nights in the fall in which no college or pro games are on - until late in the season when some college games ARE on - but that is a discussion for another day.)

So check it out.  Fall in love, with the Red Zone, with Scott, and with your couch, again.

Gum Chewers - I'm coming after you

I cannot, cannot take it any more.  I’m not talking about football.  It may appear I have been so absorbed with football I haven’t even had time to write a single BLOG. (Or maybe, just maybe I have been busy with this thing called a mom’s life - running around, laundry, school stuff, and oh, for those of us nutty enough, a job. ).

What I am talking about is gum chewing.  It is a national embarrassment and it has to stop.  When I see someone chomping away on a piece of gum I want to scream.  Has anyone looked in the mirror when they chew gum? If you are a regular gum chewer I encourage you - just watch yourself for three minutes, if you can even take it that long.  

I discovered how ridiculous I looked years ago. I was in college at my hairdressers, and she had me turned away from the mirror while she was working on my awesome 80’s hair do.

Moms, don't be Tom Brady

I have been avoiding this issue for so, so many months.  Let me come clean.  I love Tom Brady.  I love his chizzled chin and his piercing eyes and that stupid knit cap with a giant fuzzy ball on top.  But more than all that, I love the way Tom Brady loves the game of football.  His passion.  His competitiveness.  His MADNESS when his team loses and the JOY when he wins.  So, when the scandal began last year, I will admit, I ignored it.  I defended him.  I wanted to believe it was the

SUMMER TENNIS - THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY

So I am just wrapping up my 11^th season of TAIL tennis in Northwest Ohio.    I’m not 100 percent what TAIL stands for, but probably something like Tennis Association Independent League.   Or, Totally Awesome Incredible Ladies.  One or the other, I’m not sure.  Our TAIL league is really a lot of fun.   Most of the gals on my team play in the summers only, and so we take a regular beating from the clubs around town that play all year.  

Still, it is great exercise, usually followed by wine and snacks so that you can assuredly replace any calories lost during the match.  

Over the years, I have discovered some general irritations that I am constantly trying to figure out how to resolve.  Anyone who can help, please chime in at any time.

First off, what is the proper way to call the ball out.  By proper, I mean, the least offensive.  I have heard everything from, “Out.” To “Long” to “No” to “just out” to the now popular pointing of the finger straight into the air.  This last one somehow gets me the most.  The gals who prefer to use the pointed finger often overdue the pointing.  I played against a gal a few weeks ago and every time she called the ball out I immediately looked into the sky because I thought she had she had seen a UFO!  And what about when you disagree with a call.  I have seen plenty balls land in after the opponent has already called it out.  It isn’t ladylike to flip the bird, but there has to be a way to let the other gal know you are on to her tactics.

Secondly, it is very, very rude to tell your opponent you just started playing tennis right after you have won the match.  I wish I had a camera to have seen the look on my face several time when the gal I had just lost to said, “This is only my second match!”  Sure, I would spend the evening hoping she would wake up with a third eyeball, which isn’t very nice either, but at least I didn’t actually say it!

Beyond line calls, I have developed a few ways to get into the head of the opposing player.  You too can use these tactics to strengthen the mind game, so to speak.  So even if your opponent plays seven days a week, you can usually grab a game here and there by use of the following:

1.  Opponent hits a great serve and you return it for a winner.  You say, “GREAT SERVE!”  Now your opponent is immediately confused.  She knows she hit a great serve but you just handed it back to her with some attitude.  She won’t know whether to keep using her great serve or simply begin tapping the ball into your court.  It might not last long, but take advantage while you can.

2.  Opponent hits a great serve and you swing and barely touch it.  Now, look at your racquet like you are looking for a secret hiding place.  Turn it over a few times, stare right at the strings.  Move some of the strings around.  Sneeze.  Anything to get your opponent irritated enough to send her next serve right into the net. 

3.  When switching sides, ask your opponent if she feels well.  “You look so pale.”  “Do you want me to get you a Gatoraid?”  “I hope you are not getting that virus that is going around.”  This is a dirty tactic I admit, and only to be used in the most desperate of situations, but  desperate times call for desperate measures.

All in all, I love TAIL tennis in the summer.  Nothing says summer like a warm night, matching tennis outfits, close calls, and a glass of pinot when it is all over.